A selection of my poetry for your delectation...

Trousers. (Or: A Devastating Attack On Your Sartorial Inelegance)

There seems to be a new fashion
That’s gripped the nation of late
Despite leaving the wearer
Looking like a reprobate
Shapeless, baggy garments
That drag upon the floor
A pair of so-called ‘trainers’
What are they training you for?
Your body’s out of proportion
Your legs seem far too short
In fact your whole ensemble
Makes me want to exhort:

Why don’t you pull your bloody trousers up?
And start to exhibit a bit of class
It really would swell if you invested in a belt
And made your outfit less of a farce

Why don’t you pull your bloody trousers up?
Your buttocks are a most unwelcome sight
Please just buy some braces, that would be, well, aces
And you’ll stop giving small children a fright

I don’t care how clean your underpants are
Under! The clue’s in the name
And your sartorial miscalculations
Make me want to crush, and kill, and maim
This rage is a most unusual sensation
Such violence isn’t like me at all
But that’s just the way I seem to react
When your waistband’s in the region of your balls!

Doesn’t this fashion cause you discomfort?
Don’t you feel like your trousers might fall down?
Don’t you worry you’ll fall over your breeches
And end up prostrate on the ground?

Why don’t you pull your bloody trousers up?
I really would find it most kind
Also, if you don’t stop doing that other thing
Well, you’re quite likely to go mad or blind

Why don’t you pull your bloody trousers up?
Perhaps we should put it to a vote…
I’m not a fan of this particular waistband
In fact I think they strike a bum note!

Why don’t you pull your bloody trousers up?
Oh, you waddle about like a duck
I’m not in awe of the sight of your drawers
In fact, I couldn’t really care less.

Oh! Those Naughty Tentacles

I was watching the kinematograph
Late one Thursday night
When my eyes suddenly beheld
A most unexpected sight
Upon the flickering sepia screen
Was an entertainment from the Far East
The main antagonist appeared to be
A demonic, squid-like beast
The creature was utterly hideous
The summation of all men’s fears
It appeared that it was terrorizing
Several girls of teenage years
The girls I think were from a Navy
Judging by their sailor suits
Although I don’t know many sailors
Who wear short skirts and knee high boots

The terrible beast burst into the room
Where the aformentioned girls were located
They screamed and tried to flee the beast
Which was quite hideous, as I’ve already stated.
The young ladies were totally defenseless
As the room lacked the presence of a man
The tentacled beast snared several girls
And that when the horror began…

Oh those naughty tentacles!
Seemed to explore everywhere
One fumbled about in the pantry
While another poked under the stairs
Those naughty, slimy tentacles!
Frightfully deft intruders
They way explored every cranny & nook
I’d never seen anything ruder!

Those naughty, dirty tentacles
Going through the ladies’ drawers
Small ones poking through keyholes
The big ones opening doors
Those evil, writhing tentacles
Fiddling with the plumbing under the sink
Searching the pockets of the snooker table
Going for the brown and then the pink.
Look! One’s inside the dresser
Its suckers all over the china
One tentacle’s reaching into the cellar
Going deep, like some blasphemous miner
Oh those poor young ladies!
Their lodgings sundered without reason or rhyme
Although, now I look closer at those girls
They actually seem to be having quite a nice time.

You can hear me performing one of my poems at the link below...

(From my forthcoming spoken word album - Ribald for Your Aural Pleasure)

An Erotik Vampire Poem on Soundcloud